Something just wasn’t right.

Something just wasn’t right.

So I was re-born! I had always loved the deep south gospel music, the choirs had a way of giving one a kind of energy. Clapping and moving how could you stand still.  Suddenly church was fun, full of life, and what I always thought it should be. After all we are taught that God is loving and forgiving. I could finally forgive myself for all my wrong doing. I felt so good I felt magical.

Pentecostal to me was about living with the Holy Spirit‘s presence, feeling the connection in everything that happened.  I was going to church twice a week and would have went almost every night if it wasn’t such a long drive for me.  There was a happy energy every time you walked through the doors.

I was troubled though, all the speaking in tongues and people shaking, it  started to feel like a circus not only that but I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able to speak in tongues or why my body didn’t tremble. Wasn’t I living right?  Then the sermons, I always thought God was forgiving and loving but what I was hearing was more about being a warrior, fighting against the evils of the world. I was learning that we were the right and anyone on the other side was against us. We had God on our side and we were invincible. It was starting to sound very hateful. I was reading books written by Benny Hinn, and Frank Peretti. Why didn’t everyone know that they were so wrong? Even found fault in other Christians. Because God was on my side.

Well changes were coming,  moving out of the area and I could say goodbye to my church without to much of a heavy heart. I wasn’t sure that I would find a church in the new area where I felt comfortable. Turns out there was a small church down the road from where we were living. It was much more down to earth and the message seemed to be realistic. Here I was ok, I worked with the youth group and even recruited a few. Things didn’t go well when the Elders decided they didn’t like all the “Heathen” young people that were coming. This is when I really started to turn away. Why wouldn’t God want these kids to learn about faith?

I still read books and tried to keep my faith, I read the bible from cover to cover, and I prayed that the  really bad things in my life would change. Nothing ever came of the prayers and things just got worse. There are many personal events that I could write but at this time I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. People close to me are just not ready to re-live those times.

I was feeling betrayed by my faith, I was seeing things around the world that I just couldn’t believe the God I grew up with would let happen, all the pain and suffering, all the hate and indifference. People starving, being cruel to animals and using them for their own purpose (I always thought we were to be the care takers of God’s creatures, somewhere that went horribly wrong). We destroy the beautiful earth we call home so we can have things. Over populating ourselves to the point that we can’t sustain ourselves.  Dirty politicians using God’s name to get ahead and also to justify wrongful way they use power. Money is worshipped more then anything. They say wars are fought over Religion,  oil and resources are the religion I’m seeing these days.

People don’t know wrong from right, people follow like lemmings.   Some may say this is prophesy. Sure there are predictions. I know the reason I hung on for so long was fear, fear of saying I don’t believe any more. But so many like minded thinkers know exactly what I’m talking about.

Science was all ways my favourite subject in school, when I took Anatomy and Physiology it was hard to imagine anything but a creator makeing the human body so perfect. Could this just happen? Flipping the coin though I knew I could never believe that the earth was just a few thousand years old. Another question never answered was about the two testaments, if Jesus claimed his teaching were the ones to follow how come it’s so easy to jump back into the old and pick the verse that suits the moment?

Opening my mind up  I have looked and studied what others around the world  believe and I have found that most religion runs parallel to each other, more similar then different. And it’s everyone’s right to feel and believe what they need to. I would never hold that against anyone.

Cults and new religious movements in literatur...
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I would not say that I don’t believe that Jesus didn’t exist, I’m pretty sure he did but my thoughts are more along the line that he was a man much like Buddha , enlightened and a  teacher.

So have I become an immoral person since I evolved to this point? The answer is I feel much more moral, and very peaceful.


4 thoughts on “Something just wasn’t right.

  1. Kaja –

    I turned away from church in my late teens and my agnosticism has only grown since that time. Growing up like I did and seeing the things I saw when I was young made me question the idea of a ‘loving’ and ‘caring’ god. There I was a good kid with tons of potential and I had lived a horrific childhood with death, alcoholism, abuse and indifference. I made a vow when I was 17 years old that if god wanted me on his side he needed to show me that there was a reason for all that suffering, while other people I knew lived lives of relative ease and comfort.

    Throughout college I was disappointed time and time again in the idea of a loving and caring god. He/She/It never seemed to reveal itself to me or my situations. Fast forward to my 30 year old self – I now work in law – advocating for abused, neglected and abandoned children. The things I see. The stuff that parents do to their own children is chilling – and soul numbing. To know that any god would allow such things to occur to innocent children has almost completely sealed the deal for me. I am still what I consider Agnostic, because there may be some plan that I am unaware of – but to this point it is rather murky.

    My feelings today are that if the god that everyone prays to is the same god that allows all the injustice in the world, all the inequity, pain, suffering, and strife – is the same god that would damn me to hell for eternity because I question his existence using the tools of logic and reasoning he supposedly imbued into me. Well that is probably a god I don’t rightly want to believe in anyhow.

  2. Eloquently-stated Kaja. I’m there with you on this! Since I released myself from the guilt of not feeling comfortable with the “church-sermon” setting to enhance my spirituality, I feel much more in tune with myself, much more at peace. I continue to learn.

  3. Hi Kaja

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog and can empathise a great deal with what you say. I grew up in the Catholic church and attended church 8 times a week. Having long since fallen out with the teaching of catholicism, I have looked to many alternatives but always come to the same conclusion around religions. They are, it appears to me, all agenda based. They all strive to say “I am the way” etc, they all feel that their ways are the true way and others are wrong.

    I no longer have anything to do with any particular religion, but I believe I have something much more precious and important, I have faith. I have faith in human kind. I have faith in my family, in my friends and in others. My faith is often tested but with some deep thought and a large dose of tolerance and rationalisation, my faith normally pulls through. I believe in life, love and the pursuit of hapiness and I believe that when this life ends, I will move on to a far greater state of being. I have no idea what form it will take, what it will look like or feel like, but I have faith and I have a belief that it will be a great experience.

    I treasure your wisdom and feel to some extent, we are kindred spirits. I look forward to read more of your inspired writing.

    HC x

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