So I was re-born! I had always loved the deep south gospel music, the choirs had a way of giving one a kind of energy. Clapping and moving how could you stand still. Suddenly church was fun, full of life, and what I always thought it should be. After all we are taught that God is loving and forgiving. I could finally forgive myself for all my wrong doing. I felt so good I felt magical.
Pentecostal to me was about living with the Holy Spirit‘s presence, feeling the connection in everything that happened. I was going to church twice a week and would have went almost every night if it wasn’t such a long drive for me. There was a happy energy every time you walked through the doors.
I was troubled though, all the speaking in tongues and people shaking, it started to feel like a circus not only that but I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able to speak in tongues or why my body didn’t tremble. Wasn’t I living right? Then the sermons, I always thought God was forgiving and loving but what I was hearing was more about being a warrior, fighting against the evils of the world. I was learning that we were the right and anyone on the other side was against us. We had God on our side and we were invincible. It was starting to sound very hateful. I was reading books written by Benny Hinn, and Frank Peretti. Why didn’t everyone know that they were so wrong? Even found fault in other Christians. Because God was on my side.
Well changes were coming, moving out of the area and I could say goodbye to my church without to much of a heavy heart. I wasn’t sure that I would find a church in the new area where I felt comfortable. Turns out there was a small church down the road from where we were living. It was much more down to earth and the message seemed to be realistic. Here I was ok, I worked with the youth group and even recruited a few. Things didn’t go well when the Elders decided they didn’t like all the “Heathen” young people that were coming. This is when I really started to turn away. Why wouldn’t God want these kids to learn about faith?
I still read books and tried to keep my faith, I read the bible from cover to cover, and I prayed that the really bad things in my life would change. Nothing ever came of the prayers and things just got worse. There are many personal events that I could write but at this time I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. People close to me are just not ready to re-live those times.
I was feeling betrayed by my faith, I was seeing things around the world that I just couldn’t believe the God I grew up with would let happen, all the pain and suffering, all the hate and indifference. People starving, being cruel to animals and using them for their own purpose (I always thought we were to be the care takers of God’s creatures, somewhere that went horribly wrong). We destroy the beautiful earth we call home so we can have things. Over populating ourselves to the point that we can’t sustain ourselves. Dirty politicians using God’s name to get ahead and also to justify wrongful way they use power. Money is worshipped more then anything. They say wars are fought over Religion, oil and resources are the religion I’m seeing these days.
People don’t know wrong from right, people follow like lemmings. Some may say this is prophesy. Sure there are predictions. I know the reason I hung on for so long was fear, fear of saying I don’t believe any more. But so many like minded thinkers know exactly what I’m talking about.
Science was all ways my favourite subject in school, when I took Anatomy and Physiology it was hard to imagine anything but a creator makeing the human body so perfect. Could this just happen? Flipping the coin though I knew I could never believe that the earth was just a few thousand years old. Another question never answered was about the two testaments, if Jesus claimed his teaching were the ones to follow how come it’s so easy to jump back into the old and pick the verse that suits the moment?
Opening my mind up I have looked and studied what others around the world believe and I have found that most religion runs parallel to each other, more similar then different. And it’s everyone’s right to feel and believe what they need to. I would never hold that against anyone.
I would not say that I don’t believe that Jesus didn’t exist, I’m pretty sure he did but my thoughts are more along the line that he was a man much like Buddha , enlightened and a teacher.
So have I become an immoral person since I evolved to this point? The answer is I feel much more moral, and very peaceful.